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It is well known that anyone who travels for longer than 2 months can often suffer from an affliction called “Travel Wanker”.

Symptoms often include wearing ethnic clothes, growing their hair out and talking about travel 24/7. University is starting soon and this means they will be returning in full force. Do you know someone like this in your life? Are you dreading hearing over and over again about the various stories from these trips? Well fear no more. Just send this handy guide to anyone you know who needs to tone it down a bit. This guide never fails. I used to be a travel w*nker but after following these simple steps I am a completely changed man.

(Did I mention I’ve been travelling?

Step 1 – Don’t Travel

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The best way to not be a travel wanker is not to travel. If you still want to travel try lying to your friends instead. What they don’t know can’t hurt them!


Step 2 – Don’t talk about travel

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No one cares that you were sipping tea out of a beavers skull with a hippy named Gabriel. They get it you travelled. Try using more appropriate stories from family members or the classic “we got wasted in a bad nightclub at uni” story. Sometimes people might try and trick you by asking questions about travel. This is a well known trick; stay strong and don’t fall for it.


Step 3 – Consider getting new friends

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Ditch the dead weight. If they don’t understand your new enlightened way of life then get some new friends. Just like Tarquin and Arabella you met in Kuala Lumpur.. *sighs wistfully, reminiscing about good times.


Step 4 – Watch your vocabulary

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Certain words and phrases such as “when I was in…”, “road-trip”, “hostel”, “camping” and most importantly “opens your eyes” should probably be dropped from your vocabulary. These words usually trigger an intense response from those around you causing you to look more like a travel w*nker. Other words you may want to use carefully are “fun” and “excitement”.


 Step 5 – Just don’t be a wanker about it

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This is the most important step. Without this step all the others are completely pointless. Remember it doesn’t make you unique to have camped in a field under the stars or jumped out of a plane. People will want to hear your stories but wait until the time is right. If you aren’t annoying about it then all should be well, if not refer to step 3.


 

So there you have it. The simplest of steps to make sure you don’t annoy your friends or family. Send it on to those you think need to learn a lesson or two.

 

 

[DISCLAIMER: If all this fails the person following the steps might just be a wanker.]