After making six changes to the eleven who beat Wales last week, Hodgson lead the Three Lions to a crushing 0-0 win against Slovakia. Absolutely destroyed them, clinical performance, totally devestated them. Yeah.
‘The Game After The Night’ Before series was started as a means to emulate the hangover you feel after an England performance, the anger, the excitement, the thrill and the post-match analysis all fans have after a match. Unfortunately the Slovakia game was so bad that we endured a two-day hangover that would have floored a Magulaf rep and that oily bloke from Geordie Shore. Yes, here we go again, no goals, nil-nil, blah blah, England scrape through to the next round of the European championship.
England’s starting eleven: Not what you would call a ‘strong’ England team. Photo: BBC.com.
Good: Big lads at the back. The defending, although rather untested, seemed strong, resilient and sturdy. The big lads of Cahill and Smalling dominated in the air and kept Slovakia penned into their own half. I’ll be interesting to see how they fare against stronger opposition but the foundations are there.
Bad: Roy’s ridiculous changes. Last week I praised Roy for his endeavour and bravery, and maybe it went to his head a little. Making 6 changes midway through a competition is ludicrous, especially when it doesn’t pull off. Sturridge and Vardy made sense, but replacing Rooney with Wheelchair (Wilshere) and Walker with the very inexperienced Bertrand was just bad management.
Ugly: Not beating the first fucking man. If I see one more international player *COUGH* Jordan fucking Henderson *COUGH* not beat the first defender from a dead ball, I will give up my entire university degree to become a pro footballer because APPARENTLY it requires barely any footballing skill. Kicking the ball into a box – it should be bread and butter, christ sake.
Henderson: An action shot of the Liverpool midfielder trying to grasp the concept of football, keep at it Jord. Photo: givemesport.com.
Supporter’s quote of the match: “Do you think if I shove this pringle in my eye it will be funnier than this?” (Billy’s friend and pringle enthusiast).
Good: The Three Lions roar on to the last 16, so that’s rather good. I also think Nathaniel Clyne’s hairline is exciting to look at. It’s also the first clean sheet this tournament for our largely-untested defence…as you can tell there weren’t many ‘Goods’ to report.
Bad: Although we dominated possession once again, there is still cause for concern in the final third. We’re not very good at putting the ball in the net which, in my expert opinion, is crucial to winning football matches (Michael Owen anyone?). Furthermore, we’re still too slow on the attack and lack the dynamism to be considered possible champions. Yes, we didn’t play a full-strength team, but Slovakia were 150/1 to win the tournament before the match…immensely irritating game to watch.
Ugly: The shit performance last night meant I had to drink a lot. As a result, I threw up today in my toilet. I will be sending the plumbing bill to the FA.
Supporter’s quote of the match: “Why doesn’t Henderson have any calves” (Henry’s mate Rob).
Good: Thirty shots at goal. THIRTY! So we’re creating chances. There’s that. I’m hoping and praying that once (if) we start facing teams that don’t set up to defend and park 11 men, 3 buses, 2 houses and 1 plane in front of their goal, we might actually be able to convert some of those chances. Still, even if my prayers reached a god, chances are he’d be French. What a team they have.
Bad: Thirty shots at goal. THIRTY. Jesus guys, with all those shots and no scoring I thought I was on a night out. With that many chances, and FIVE STRIKERS in the squad, we need to be scoring. If you aren’t going to have wingers in the squad, the strikers need to be justified. And last night, they were not. Where’s Will Grigg when you need him?
Will Griggs: Judging by a lot of drunk Northern Irishmen and some absolute tools on Facebook, this guy is on fire? Photo: Mirror.co.uk.
Ugly: All those Welsh fans on the news today singing and shouting about how they finished above us. Alright they weren’t ugly but they were winding me up. So I have to hurl insults or I’ll just hurl.
Supproter’s quote of the match: “Jamie Vardy wouldn’t look out of place on benefit street would he?” (Big Dave from the chippy).
Good: We didn’t lose…? We kept a clean sheet (ie: No Joe Hart blunders for once) and we’re through to the next round right? Right?
Bad: We couldn’t score against a team who we are so so so much better than, we lacked any kind of decisive action in the final third and we, once again, took all the possession and did nothing with it. Boring and uninspired. If this was qualifying we would have won by three or four goals, easy. Plus Wilshire was allowed to play, alongside the equally terrible Henderson, and they did nothing, it actually disgusts me that Danny Drinkwater was left out of the squad for one of them, I’d rather have him in France than the pair of them, useless. Seriously, tell me what do they do? Also Wilshire, you ask the barber to cut your hair into a side parting, you don’t get him to cut a side parting into your fucking scalp. Moron.
Parting: It’s nothing personal, it’s just that the team detests bad haircuts. Photo: TheGaurdian.com.
Ugly: How to go from hero to zero in a few days by Roy Hodgson, oh deary me. Six terrible changes for a group game that was crucial to securing our place in the last sixteen, seriously? You don’t “rest” players for a big game and Hodgson’s changes essentially took all the momentum out of a team that had just clinched an inspired victory against Wales. We also came second to Wales, Wales, like Wales you know Wales who depend on Gareth Bale and a Nazi love child (Ramsey) for EVERYTHING. Wales. Like Wales Wales. Wales.
Supporter’s quote of the match: “I’d rather stick pins in my iris then watch this” (Dom’s father, born of Burnley).