This is where I would write a heading. England lost to Iceland, a team whose head coach is a dentist, whose players are mostly part-time, whose domestic league is totally amateur. Prepare yourself for a long and scathing analysis of the match below. We are not responsible for our own words. This is Rantfest.
Billy Truswell (Rantfest photographer).
There was absolutely nothing positive to take from that game against Iceland. I know I should try and be a good pundit, but unfortunately, I simply can’t. I did not see one single positive with that game. We were effortless, tactic-less and clueless. That doesn’t deserve a forced positive. Fuck ’em. What exactly were we planning to do in that game? We had no tactical set-up. If I’ve said we don’t have a pattern of play once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Do we play Tiki-Taka? No. Long-ball? No. Counter attack? No. We have absolutely no pattern of play. Every man on the ball has no idea how to score a goal, and until that VERY SIMPLE tactical decision is made, we can never hope to do well and I haven’t even started on the pace of play. Let me take you back to a happier time. I was 14 years old, playing for my Sunday league football team. It was the ‘warm-up’ period before a game where you stand around and hammer the ball in an open goal. Our manager came over and told us the golden rule of football; let the ball do the work and keep it moving. We went on to win that game 5-0. Quick passing, quick movement, and quick thinking will win football matches. The fact I learnt that at 14, and the England national team don’t know that now, is the ugliest thought I can imagine. Disgrace.
Next England manager: After saying the words ‘fuck ’em’ quite a bit, Alan Shearer.
Henry Winter (Self-proclaimed Newcastle fan).
I would describe myself as a happy, upbeat and mostly optimistic person. If things go wrong I find it easy enough to move on and not dwell on misfortunes or mistakes that occur in life. As that second goal slipped through Joe Hart’s fingers, however, I became numb. I wasn’t sad, or disappointed, or angry – just numb. I was numb because for the first time in a while I saw no cause for optimism or hope in our national football team. I love football, and as a supporter of Newcastle United I’m well accustomed to disappointing results and performances but last night’s game was different. Each and every person who got on that plane to France should be ashamed of themselves. That includes the coaches, and of course Roy Hodgson. You were naive, gutless, and you’ve let your entire country down. Inexperience is not an excuse, nervousness is not an excuse…there is no excuse. I saw multi-million-pound professional footballers unable to execute some of the most basic techniques in the sport, and once more, I saw a manager orchestrate one of the most tactically inept performances I’ve seen by any England team. It was unforgivable, and the fact Hodgson cowardly avoided talking to the press after delivering a frankly pathetic resignation speech was the final nail in the coffin for me. It’s difficult to describe how I feel right now, as words seem so futile. This country is in the middle of some it’s most difficult and testing times off the field. The least we expect is the ability to sit on the sofa on an evening, crack open a tinnie, and watch our national football team with pride. Yes, England disappoint us regularly and perform poorly in the big tournaments, but this was another level. Yesterday was a dark day for English football. Huge reform is needed.
Next England Manager: John Carver for his exceptional record at – okay no maybe not, Harry Redknapp is a decent shout.
Kyle Shiels (Patent of the word ‘Everyfuckingthing’).
If you held a gun to my head and asked me to say SOMETHING good about the game I’d say “Fuck off, Shoot me”. When the penalty went in, I was quietly content that we may be able to win 2/3-0. But no. England then England-ed so hard, allowing Iceland to score the way they like to score. How kind. I guess Rashford was okay when he came on, but I couldn’t see through the liquid rage filling my eyes. Fuck off, England. On the other hand, if I was asked to say something bad about the match I would say “Everyfuckingthing.” No heart, no drive and no ambition. England looked like a side who had been told dinner was ready and they were just waiting for the final whistle to sound so they could run home and enjoy a nice portion of fuck off. I get so embarrassed watching them, knowing the whole world is watching, having a good old laugh. Of course, I’m quite mad I didn’t expect it in a week where everything else went fuck up. Plus the odds that Gareth Southgate is going to be the next manager takes this to a new level of tragedy. It’s like out of the pan and into the giant pot of shit. June has been an ugly month for all of us, and the sooner it’s over, the sooner I’ll never fucking think about it again. I think it’s time to go to the Winchester, lads.
Next England Manager: Eddie Howe, young, English and does a lot with the little he has.
I deliberately left my ranting until a few days after the match (thus this article is a little late, apologies) so that I wouldn’t launch into a tirade of saying the word’s ‘fuck’ ‘cunt’ and ‘disgrace’ continually. After a lot of time spent alone in a dark room, my rage has focused in on one figure. Roy.
It’s easy to blame the players, the overpaid professionals but at the end of the day the man who has given, by far, the worst performance for the national team at this tournament, was the manager. You can’t just plop eleven players on the pitch and hope they figure out how to score. It doesn’t work like that. England never had a fucking identity or a style of play, never had a means to score goals, to tire out the opposition, to beat players, to manipulate play, in fact, to do anything. We watched them play keep-ball for 4 games and then fail to defend under an ounce of pressure and I blame Hodgson entirely. He set them up to fail, he embarrassed them entirely on the world stage and he was unable to prepare them for any of the matches. Not going to watch Iceland play Austria to go on a boat trip instead? What the fuck are you doing? Scout out the opposition, work out how your team will beat them. Unbelievable. At least when we were jack-hammered 4-1 by Germany at the World Cup we were beaten by a superior opposition with our own system that didn’t work, England at Euro 2016 didn’t even have a fucking system. I haven’t even started on Jack Wilshire, Roy’s six changes against Slovakia, not even knowing his best starting eleven?! You’re the manager of a team and you don’t know their best eleven players? Every man, women, child and PC simulator knows their best fucking eleven playing fucking FIFA, you pick your team you change it up because you prefer Vardy for his 92 pace and actually I’m going to draft in Delph. Not even knowing that should be a sackable offence, it should have been worked out months ago.
I could go on but I’m going to try and end on a positive. This is it now the lowest of the low. When you get wiped out you go back to the basics and you reform everything from the ground up. We just got wiped out, this was our Brazil 1 Germany 7, it’s time we pushed for a major revamp operation, find the teams identity, find it’s style of play, begin to build on the young talent which should have happened two years ago.
Next England Manager: Alan Shearer, he’s a winner and played for easily the best England side since ’66, plus he wouldn’t pick Jack fucking Wilshire.