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Whether they have hordes of screaming fourteen-year-old scene girl fans or rely all too heavily on that record-breaking debut album that was sick, there are some, unavoidable, shit bands out there…

“You can’t call bands shit!” I hear you cry, “music, like all art, is judged on the opinions of those who listen to it, something that is shit to you might not be shit to someone else”. Well guess what bucko, I don’t give a fuck about anyone else (apart from you mum). Some bands are just shit and here are five times some of the world’s worst musical artists actually managed to mistakenly release something with a little dose of talent and application…

Yellow: Great song, terrible band, terrible artwork. Source: Wikipedia.

 

Coldplay – Yellow

Coldplay are shit. I’m not going to explain why because to me it’s a foregone conclusion so let’s not even start with that. Their music is dull, uninspiring, unoriginal and shamelessly keen to rip of the latest thing in the charts.  On the other hand their hit single Yellow, and their debut album Parachutes, were steeped in quality and some actual originality. Reaching number four in the UK singles chart, it was the song that made Coldplay famous. Since then it’s all gone downhill.

Attila – Rage

Oh what a bloody mess. What a bloody mess Attila are. Their sound is akin to a terrible rapper, a kid with an eight string guitar and the bloke who used to play keyboard in The Human League all tried to write music for the 2008 emo scene. Nowadays it’s hard to listen to the band without your eyes literally bleeding but back in 2009 their debut was something pretty special. Heavy, unforgiving and full of the aimless aggression of youth, Rage is a truly original metalcore favourite that will always be revered as one of noughties greatest efforts. Go on, click play and relive that time when unclean vocals and flapping at the top string of your guitar were on the agenda.

U2 – With or without you

Oooooh he called U2, one of the world’s most successful artists over the last three decades, shit. Yeah, yeah I did. True, many people seem to have a dislike for the Irish outfit because of that album they gave everyone, their guitarist calling himself The Edge (ew) and Bono. However, ever since the success of their record The Joshua Tree, none of their material has quite been up to scratch. This song will always live in the memory as sensational, it’s a true classic and the only track that could save U2’s withering reputation.

The Black Eyed Peas – Where is the love?

What an absolute tune and what a shitty stain on the already mired music industry. William (I won’t use his stage name I refuse) and co are responsible for such mind-numbing pop trash as Boom Boom Pow, I Gotta Feeling and the truly fucking god awful My Humps. All of these were made steadily when Fergie’s arse made more of an appearance in most of their music videos in order to make up for the stupendous lack of talent. Rewind to 2003 and you couldn’t find a more genuine, more original and more attentive song than Where Is The Love? Full of soul and hip-hop grandeur, this single told of creating a better world and the activism of removing hatred. It’s a shame that a band who once wanted to banish segregation and anger now sing about ‘My humps’.

The Black Eyed Peas: Surprisingly the artists dressed as space age lesbians make terrible music. Source: Ranker.com

The Eagles – Hotel California

Listen to any other Eagles song. Go on, I dare you, I double dare you motherfu- whoops sorry got a bit carried away there. In essence, everything before and after the American quintet released this absolute thumper of a single was absolute shite. As iconic, recognisable and awe-inspiring as this song is, everything else the Eagles have produced is equally as abhorrent and insulting to music. Somehow a six minute, spine-tingling effort (led by their fucking drummer) saved their career reputation forever. Full of spine-tingling riffs and soaring operatic piano parts, this song topped the US Billboard 100 and would even win the band a bloody Grammy. I mean that should mean something but Coldplay also got one once, so it doesn’t because they’re shit.

NB: All other bands are either good, shit but released more than one good song, are average, or, more likely, are so so so shit they haven’t released a single decent song.