I confess, I am twenty years of age and have never been to a festival. Nope, never. I’ve never even camped outside in a tent for the lols. I would love to, but I lack the money and time, and plus, who’s going to feed my cat whilst I’m gone?

But it is festival season, and with favourites such as V-Fest looking to be a massive hit this year, I’d thought I’d ask the questions that all festival virgins are afraid to ask out of fear of hipsters throwing their unwashed band t shirts in your face.

1. Are portaloos fit for human usage?

It turns out those boxed shaped cubicles on the back of transit vans aren’t make shift tardises (tardi?) but are in fact; make shift toilets. Firstly, they don’t look big enough to swing a cat in, not that you’d even let your cat pee in one of those things. Also, where does it, like, go?

2. Is Cultural Appropriation a Necessary Requirement?

First it was Native American headdresses, last year it was Selena Gomez with a bindi; this year, I hear dreadlocks are the new goldie locks.  If you manage to pull of all three, do you get extra festival goer brownie points?

3. Is there an upper age limit for festival goers?

I’m twenty, which means whilst I also like downing several jagerbombs into the early hours of the morning, I also like watching Coronation Street with my cat. Due to my old age, am I at risk of going deaf amongst all the screaming 15 year olds? Should I bring earplugs as a precautionary measure?

4. What’s that yellow liquid in bottles that people throw around?


5. How do you get around to seeing every act perform?

Are the acts on one after the other or is it just like a massive every man for himself orgy? What if I’m right at the front of the stage and need to pee? Actually, if it involves a trip to the portaloos, I think I’ll hold it.

6. How Indie do you have to be to go to Reading/Leeds?

Can I still like Taylor Swift?

7. Does Justin Bieber go over to your tent and sing songs around the campfire all night?

I had a dream about this once.

8. Does my Mum still need to make me a packed lunch?

Seriously, though.

9. They have wi-fi right?

I’m not even kidding.

10. If you don’t return this summer without an enviable Instagram and a gazillion festival wristbands, did you even go?

Might stick to watching it on the telly, ta.