Parents“I woke up and realised I had arranged to go over to his on Valentine’s Day for a hangover breakfast to watch the Lion King.” … What?

Ah freshers, ahh drinking, ahhh being eighteen and young enough to get away with quite a lot. So lucky, right? Caught up in the madness of School Uniform nights and Headphone Discos, Ring of Fire drinking games and meeting about a hundred new people per day.

But a few jaeger bombs down the line and it’s not just your bank account that is already starting to suffer – it’s likely you’ll ask yourself: which is a bigger hazard?Sending that intoxicated message you’ll regret for the rest of the semester, or saving yourself the trouble but having no phone with you at all? In safety terms, unfortunately, it’s probably worth keeping your phone with you. So prepare yourself, steel yourself, and read up on the top ten inevitable drunk messages that could be leaving your phone in some form come university…

The text to the ex

The pinnacle and stereotype of all drunk communications: when your party-going self becomes convinced an old fling was a good idea. Why did it end? Erm, don’t remember. Will you regret this? Definitely. Do you really miss them or are you just in a long queue for the bar? Maybe just delete their number altogether.

How you got there: the more dated the ex, the more smashed you’ll be before contacting them. Broke up last week? Half a glass of wine could do it.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one with the autocorrect LASS autocorrect

The beauty of touchscreen smartphones. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take more than a couple of millimetres for the meaning to change completely. Careful with this one: type the same things drunk over and over, and it could stick forever.

How you got there: couple of shots and your favourite song playing.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one to your parents katie parents

A moment that could have you squirming for days. Depending on how tech savvy your family is, you could be stampeding your cute group chat, or sending Mum a Snapchat with the caption “omfg, knew they’d get with each other!! :’(” The antidote is a gentle reminder that they probably were that drunk once too. Last Christmas, for example?

How you got there: one too many jaegerbombs.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one on the toilet

We can’t pinpoint why the loo is the ultimate point of social media inspiration, but everyone has that friend who can’t help but message you while in the club toilets. Yes, the queue probably was longer than the run of the X Factor and they’re bored silly, but need I know the very details of your bowel movements? Let’s assume not.

How you got there: that extra vodka lemonade that ‘broke the seal’.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one with liquid confidence 

When the liquor steels you, anyone who has ever met your acquaintance should watch out. Whether it’s telling that someone that you’ve always been completely in love with them, deciding that liking that photo from five years ago is a good idea, or finally sending your CV to that work experience you wanted, you’d be surprised what emerges when your sober worries are shed. Maybe have a PC, typo-free draft pre-saved for that last one, though.

How you got there: by panicking and saying, “I’ll have what you’re having” to your friend at the bar. Oooooh, you should what they’re having more often!

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one that’s just rubbish matt terrace

Did you sit on your phone? Are you learning the phonetics of Swahili? We’ll never know, but there’s only one time that “j” and “k” are used so frequently in the English language, and that’s in drunk texts.

How you got there: by mixing drinks. Definitely been mixing drinks.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one to a mate becky to harry

Soppy, up front, emotional and luckily quite easy to get away with: your mates will get the brunt of most of your late night phone antics, and if they’re a good sort, they might even put up with it. From “FIND ME IN THE SMOKING AREA!” to “You’re always there for me and I literally love you for that, never leave me. You are my Maid of Honour btw we’ll always be friends xxxxxx”, the one to your mate is a guarantee.

How you got there: probably fairly easily. They’re your best mate and they were probably at pre-drinks with you anyway.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one that sounds more serious than it is matt dead

Okay, fine, when you said “HELP!” it was because your shoe was stuck on some floor-grime and nothing more potentially serious, but how was the recipient supposed to know that? Before you know it the police will have turned up and you’ll have to sheepishly explain that the only real issue was that you’d have to clean your Nike Airs.

How you got there: that sneaky “help me finish my drink!” before pres ended. What even was that?

How you’ll feel tomorrow: 

The one that’s a phonecall

Just a step further, isn’t it? When they know that typing isn’t going to be coherent, some turn to the voice message to express their innermost feelings. Unfortunately, unlike a text, if a call doesn’t quite reach its intended listener, they’ll still know: nothing like waking up to 17 missed calls at 03:20, is there?

How you got there: probably rum, seems to make everyone emotional.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

The one that was saved

The big one: what you almost sent. Perhaps some awful combination of the above, or just one of them to the extreme, there will always be somewhere deep inside of you a memory of what you so very nearly sent that one night. Whether it was saved by a friend, suddenly aware of your state and acting the hero by snatching your phone away, or whether you dug deep and found the willpower to stop it yourself, there will inevitably be the one that got away. The message that never quite made it to cyberspace. And you’ll thank your lucky stars for that fact.

How you got there: by managing to refuse that last tequila shot. Well done, it might have pushed you over.

How you’ll feel tomorrow:

Now be safe, kids, and I wish you all the luck in the world. I’d suggest getting a Nokia brick and at least saving yourself the possibilities of drunks tweets or Snapchats.